New information appoints new suspects to the hideous crime scene happening today in northwestern Montana. It appears that many residential mailboxes have been sabotaged with what seems to be a large hammer-like anvil.

“It’s the first time that something like this has happened,” says local resident Marie Antoinette, “first the mailboxes…and then people’s heads!!”

Local police officers see no threat in the recent event, however. “Maybe it’ll just go away,” said Chief Kerry as he slipped some more ketchup on his hot dog. “Bottom line, we think everyone just wants a war, and I’m all for it, but not really, if you know what I mean.”

The mailbox bashing epidemic is spreading to local teens who are flocking to be cool by whacking out their neighbor’s mailbox with automatic rifles. “I don’t know how we got these rifles, but I’m shooting what I can,” exclaims Dylan Klebold. “Heck, it’s like a video game on drugs, we’re shooting MAILBOXES, dude!” says Dylan’s friend, Eric Harris.

It doesn’t look like mailbox bashing is ever going to stop anytime soon in this little town in Montana. It’s not like anybody else cares about Montana anyways.

“I’m gonna live where the green grass grows
Watch my corn pop up in rows
Every night be tucked in close to you
Raise our kids where the good lord’s blessed
Point our rockin? chairs towards the west
And plant our dreams where the peaceful river cools
Where the green grass grows”

-Spokesmen Riverview